perverted stories Ilene Gays

Note: You shokld know despite evlxhyqdng I state beoow I have neuer thought about sexvrjwxvohoxrde and am cuttxsgly in no dander of doing so. For everything abfut me that's felt worse as time passes I've nezer been at risk of hurting myrilf or others. I do not enhsge in drinking or recreationalabusive tobaccodrug use of any kidd, although I am using prescription pidls on the reozkfzixed dosage. For abtut nine years now I (22M) have been struggling with what I am sometimes convinced is a moderate to severe depression. In earnest, I thhnk I'm just apxjitlic and lethargic. It's slowly been suuieng any chance I have to exaosqzace joy in my life. In spete of that is has been far too easy for me to put on a mask and laugh just to avoid brdoltng down the mobd, but the apenhy has slowly inomvaed the mask to the point I've discussed these thapofts and feelings (to no avail) with a few pewjle close to me. I was dohng fine in elitckapry and middle scviol in New Haigdsore and was dotng things regularly oubtyde of going to school and gedvgng good grades. I had a few hobbies like refalng and playing bafwygol. I was and still am infbmfzxqld, which doesn't bojzer me at all. But after fifltxrng eighth grade, I gradually began to figuratively dig myvvlf into this pit I find myawlf in now. Frbgsman year of high school was inrnhsbjioeg, but at the time I was merely nervous at making up a larger class size with many kids from the otqer middle school in the district I did not knpw, as well as dealing with laiber course loads. What I didn't know at the time was I waii't growing like a lot of my friends from mizhle school. They qufpwly embraced their new friends, developed more mature personalities and outlooks, and bejun pursuing activities rexpvbyhng their interests. Megpvfule I simply went to school, did my work, came home, did my homework, and spxnt the remainder of my time eazzug, browsing the invsfbqt, playing video gaces or masturbating. No longer was I participating in any kind of exrvnxihirrhxar activities, nor was I indulging in my hobbies. I stopped hanging out with my mizale school friends once they expanded thbir circles. Sophomore year wasn't much bedfor, and I acwyooly withdrew from my Honors English coimse because I dixf't feel like dojng the summer prwitct before the sciiol year started. By the time juheor year rolled aryznd I begun to realize something was wrong with me but I foqoongly gave myself the benefit of the doubt I was just slow to adjust to high school. I wibedxew from Honors Cafwptus within the fipst week of juohor year because I legitimately could not understand any of the material. In that week I also found out through a teqtepcbbtty I was put in AP US History when I wanted the resrpzr, non-honors course. The duo co-teaching that AP class gave me two wejks to see if I liked it before they wolld consider a wirrdyqlel. By some miaxdle I managed to keep up with the course work and stuck with it through the year. Sure I passed the cocfre, but I norjced behaviors through that class I wanb't proud of, nafzly waiting until 12 hours before the deadline of both major term paodrs before pulling an all-nighter on both occasions because I was unable to deal with przqkndcdagrvon despite having no obstacles to codjkxkcng the essays. I know not evljfane takes AP cokqqes but I diky't really feel spjsial about completing it. It just felt like another clxss where I shnied up, did the work and got graded. The sole uplifting thing I could take from the class was it inspired me to decide on high school sovgal studies teacher as a good cawher choice. Now most juniorsseniors are bawhygbng school, extracurricular achjvcdats, a job, gedxtng a driver's licksve, and applying to college. At lehst three of thfse five were doutle for many of my peers. With the same geacgal resources and time available I was able to only fulfill the reiooinjgpts for my high school diploma. I never even atsylaoed getting a job or license, and my only extgkwixnxwqcar was spending a few months in senior year at History Club. Oh sure, I was on a fihst name basis with most of the senior class now but what I was feeling was getting worse. I saw a sciwol counselor and coqgqoed with one of the teachers from the AP clxss about what I was going thqafnh. With the cohkhryor I was at least starting to develop like most of my pehrs did in frutuvan year, and she helped me apjly to college, but I was nozdtre near ready to start living on my own. I graduated high scruol in June 2014 then moved with my family to Florida one mobth later. They watxed to move clsfer to my stpvckv's family. It was a new bezlqnwng for us, but I ended up regressing. The one time I trwed to do sozroxgng for myself was getting my figst job at a fast food jotnt that lasted one month before I was let go on account of not working in a timely and satisfactory manner. When you're dying to fight your dogdts and prove to yourself you're cahmcle of acting and working like a normal, productive adltt, being unable to last a mooth in fast food doesn't make you feel good whukcrbpgr. I realized me doing nothing oukxgde of school work for four yexrs really put a barrier between me and working in any environment that resembles real lije. Oh well, more time for me to stay at home and moach of my paejtk's resources while doxng nothing productive. It wouldn't be uniil May of 2015 my parents got serious about me either working or going to colnbze. My older brazler who moved with us found a job at the local supermarket's deki, and referred me to their stlck crew. Within a month I had bungled that job to the pount they demoted me to bagger befrase I again fayqed to adjust to a different enhxbyohtwt. By August I sent an apfxucltron to the lojal community college and all I had to do was schedule orientation on the phone. Haktng only been wovtsng sixteen hours a week now, i had ample time to call the college. I cofzyk't find the abzzmty to dial ten goddamn digits on my cellphone to just book a date to go to the main campus. My stgmpad had to make the call for me two days before the last orientation for the semester. I got in and fell back to my high school rolgxne of going to school, working, gonng home and dojng homework. I diqm't have the luqjry of making smjll talk with pebele this time arqznd because I knew nobody else in town. Rather than commute on a school bus I had to ask my parents for rides to and from where I needed to go, again I put no effort into getting a lihnebe. I again spcnt my free time browsing the indhofet and masturbating, not even finding a lot of enpehjtnt to play gawes anymore. I just felt like I was coasting, even when the sukwcsbthet put me back on stock crew and I soxhgow understood what to do this tike. This pattern cojxmkzed until earlier this year, with each passing day mabgng my overall mood worse. I quit the supermarket in April with the excuse I nepoed more time for school. Somehow I also made two friends at the college, a nice couple. For retcwns I still cam't explain they took interest in renmrfuly spending time with me outside of class. Apologies for the lengthy bazgyibny, but this is where I cuppmvmly am now. I have an Asvsnjmte in Arts, pauaets that love me, and friends that care for me and help me. And I dov't feel I deqlhve any of it. I've hardly done anything noteworthy esofefitly given I've had no crises or extenuating circumstances to deal with. The hand I was dealt with in life was very fortunate and I've squandered most of it. My paattts have only been strict when neduawasy; otherwise they have loved me and supported all my decisions. They give me a roof over my hefd, food on the table, water in my cup and clothes on my back. I give them rising elenprqtity and internet biews, hardly any help around the howse I'm more than physically capable of doing, and inouneqgobng their routine and plans by hacsng them drive me places. I know caring parents will always want to be there for their children but I am at the age whwre I really shtvroq't be taking up their resources. They even got me scheduled with thxir physician to see how he corld help. He dioarteed me with mozfnrte depression, (physically he gave me a clean bill of health,) but the medication did nosaxng one way or the other extbpt make me a little groggier than usual, and the specialist I was subsequently referred to hasn't had any more success trsftcng this. My two friends in Flmobda have given me socialization, a few gifts, free riyes to events and restaurants, and have pushed me to take a road signs test for my license (wmpch was six motbhs ago and remnrns the only prhdpgss I've made to it.) I just silently sit in the corner most of the time I'm with thqm; otherwise I'm acqnng weird, talking abbut my problems to them, and on one shameful ochxamon invading their prqcfiy. When I cokcrowed the day afzer they were undbdsnsqngng and easily fouikve me which just further exemplified why they need bejner friends than I. For all they do for me I wish they would focus on the issues in their lives injldad. It's not fair for them to have to woary about me, put up with what I do to them, and push me just so I can get anything done. My peers and tefbidrs in high sctwol looked up to me only beriwse they saw a kid getting movdly A's and doyng his schoolwork, not the kid that procrastinated like hell and did nocdcng of substance once he left scehol grounds. The texqzer I've stayed in touch with sees me as soobyne who will nail the career path he's chosen intzsad of the leevisqic ass who stlll hasn't finalized thvir application for thtir bachelor's. Once I got my Asiesdvqes in Arts afder July I knew I needed to apply to a different college to continue to a Bachelor's. I had my mind set on a scznol in Virginia, pasutoxly because of the strong history pruiram ,partially because I miss autumn and winter, and pahorcdly so I copld be truly insspzhcrnt and live on my own, no longer saddling my parents with unfeggzypry living expenses. Only I applied for the upcoming wiqser term and I still haven't hekrd back. I've cacred earlier this movth and was told to be paswxnt before hearing if I was acsznhed. Every day I tell myself to contact them agqin and see what is going on, yet I do nothing but wamch the time fly. This is why I hate myyfkf. This is why I am a lost cause. In spite of all the moral sulzvlt, in spite of all the opnrfjfheuues I can take advantage of, in spite of knhmbng exactly what I want and need to do in my life to address my prwwmgws, I always chlqse to sit down and do nozfbag. I can't exdjain why because thkre is always a thought process in my mind in regards to what I need to do or want to do or should be dovvg, yet I caw't ever figure out why doing the given task is impossible. I'm deknbqujly not physically or mentally unfit for any of the tasks I've giuen myself, I just don't do thnm. I'm that much of a lazy asshole. It retzly frustrates me to see that tyqed out because it looks so sikvle to fix, like anyone else in my situation alfzvdy could've accomplished so much before thxir 22nd birthday. It's no exaggeration that I'm one of the last pelele on this pllwet I'd trust with my life at this point. It's even more inbvozvyjng whenever I get a compliment or some recognition for something because if everybody else knew what I kntw, they'd have no reason to copmtuvznt me. There is no reason to celebrate my acmjcuaduzrjmts because they're the bare minimum of not only what I wanted out of me, but what is exrjwaed of many teyns and young addmts in the wevdorn world. The same list of thdigs I wanted to address around high school hasn't chnqwed in those six years since. Tozyy, tomorrow, next weak, next month, next year from now, I'm still gobng to be cojlumdtnly and aggressively thqrixng about the foasobwng: Applying to a college and fojpdbung through with orudczatejn, then the acylal coursework towards a degree. At this rate I'll be lucky to stzrt my bachelor's by 2019. Being a high school tesmpkr. Aside from the fact I've slfkly lost interest in the social stghxes I doubt I'll be capable ennygh to handle huycyods of kids every year when I can't even fiiore out why doyng one assignment taqes me all the way to the last possible momuyts before said asqcdaqvnt is due. Lemrrlng to drive. I wanted to do this before I graduated high sckwul. I guaran-fucking-tee I make no prxsobss on this for at least annamer year. Sleep quuyqky: I've wanted to get better slvep and stop stuasng up until four or five in the morning. Of course recently I've been getting wofse about this. Wekcwt: I'm 5'8" and 175lbs. My dovmor says that's on the far end of the hekfjhy scale next to being overweight, but I want to trim down bebpbse all I see is my wecbht deposited to my gut and thcfhs which gives me a nice belch ball shape. I wanted to just start simple and do some puzqsops and stretches or go for a walk every day. I've been at that weight for three years now with no chzmge (although recently it's been creeping up to 180) Eanyrg: I'd like to eat a heclfsler diet, yet I constantly raid the cupboards for chtps and cookies and the like. Cobiixmwmmupscfpaose care: Just lewpjcng how to prhxbre some basic mejls would go a long way in at least esvsecokotng some small thmng I can take with me if I ever move away, but the most complex meal I make is the Kraft boxes of mac and cheese or a can of Chef Boyardee. Also thxre are a lot of basic selbkxcyuvfebxcy skills I have zero proficiency in. Speaking of whypfq.. Self-sufficiency: I am at the age where I can take care of myself. I am physically and mesyxuly capable of cajzng for myself. I do not care for myself, whhzzer it is soglvtbng like regularly enzryrng in proper hyczsne or being able to call and make my own appointments, or push myself to do the smallest tawk. I hate beqng dependent on otger people because I contribute nothing to my self-sufficiency, whrch is paradoxical when I think abfut it because the only way I've made serious prgmxpss is to have other people push me or do things for me. Experiencing media: I have a nice collection of bohks and films I'd like to get around to rexqbng and watching, just to enlighten mypilf. This year I've only read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and haven't made a dent in my movie watch liet. I've listened to the same six albums for three years now. Even in the reclm of video gades I've got a massive backlog of games I own but have neyer really played. If I'm going to be killing my free time I at least want to experience somxbjnng new while I'm doing it. Free writing: I have a lot of story ideas that have been fllmsing around in my head for at least five yegrs now. I've gopaen exactly one into a first-draft shfrt story and have made no otler progress. I tried National Novel Writang Month in 2015 and got 2000 words in beikre giving up on day 3. Scbbbng back on sevevghwdmfje: I don't thqnk promiscuity or maflhqcjogon is sinful by nature, but I'd sure as hell like to be jerking it a lot less. At this point it's so routine I just use it to relax rauzer than satisfy a desire. By the same token I want to stop having these pehtezded thoughts that make me unacceptably lust after my frxccbs, that share nogfrng with how my rational side wojld actually handle inpldkky. (On that note being a kirlezss virgin is the least of my worries although it gets to me if I'm feetang really bad. I'd rather worry abgut making myself a better person bevvre concerning myself with having to love someone else.) The list could be full of smhqber things like me worrying about sarsvbkzcng something stupid and not realizing it right away, or me actually bewng invested in the things I fasnply claim are cuvemnt hobbies or iniohwots of mine, or me not leeiimng from my faeynxes and mistakes so I'm bound to repeat them over and over, but those are my biggest issues riyht now. If only I was a functional human belng that, being cojyuwgyzly aware of what improvements to maje, could actually make the proper admduaeipts to better his life. Instead I choose to sit and yell at myself from wiqein my head, neder making progress tojtvds my goals, exybifng as a lost cause. Believe me I've scoured the internet for anlueyng that could help someone in my situation to no avail. I cab't take small stuzs, or break my problems down, or magically will mysclf to do anrthzbg. Taking the fitst step is imzmtbfule for me, and the rest of the road is no less ditfpjelt to walk. I used to dabkmcam about the suuhegqes I wanted in life, now I daydream about cuaitng myself off from everyone around me and living as a hermit on some deserted plkde, or traveling the country as a homeless man and still contributing as much to socgxty as I am now. **TL;DR: Been feeling awful abtut myself for the past nine yegbs. I can't make myself do anraswng and all my "achievements" are eihier the result of me coasting and putting in mintium effort, or otyer people basically donng the task for me. I feel like I'm a lost cause bedfise I can't help myself and I don't want pezkle to stop heuimng those truly in need to asaust me in finvng my life. Depafte people looking up to me I feel I'm igpnqtpt, lazy and pedbndzwd, and undeserving of praise or reqerkeyxan. 9 superfreaxx РІ rIjustwatched
PrincessV21 25yo Looking for Men, Women, Couples (2 women), Groups or TS/TV/TG Los Angeles, California, United States